Aging Convictions
As I get older, I find myself becoming more uncertain about more things. Just to name a few, I am no longer convinced about some of the ideas that I advocated for in my PhD (i.e. CSR isn’t really working). Similarly, while I would still like to believe – or hope – that many of our differences can be bridged through patience and dialogue, or that a university is a place where people can – and want – to come together to learn, I find these convictions somewhat wavering these days.
Not so long ago, I was loudly advocating for the importance of listening. About how our inability to listen to one another – especially to those that we disagree with – further polarizes us, creating more division and acrimony. Looking back, I am wondering whether I was too naïve or maybe just too young and inexperienced to believe in such lofty ideals. At this moment, I am at a loss, unsure about where to start when I see the news or the conflicts that surround me. As a result, I find myself reluctant, and at times even timid, to voice my opinion out loud as I am uncertain of what I believe in anymore and scared of undesirable repercussions.
Multitudes and Nuances
I think this is part of the sobering realization that comes with getting old (a rather unceremonious process after a certain age) that we live in a tangled, complex world, where no singular narrative covers all multitudes and nuances. More often than not, there are various perspectives to every story and even the firm beliefs that we once held dear can change or fade over time. While some things are still fundamentally right or wrong, there seem to be a lot less of these certainties in this world than we once believed. I guess this is one of the thousand reasons why getting old sucks: Our spirited convictions are replaced with careful circumspection, the former being more straightforward and the latter being more nuanced (and perhaps uninspiring).
There is a corresponding benefit that comes with this adjustment though, which is that acknowledging nuance and removing ourselves from our entrenched convictions invite us (or at least me) to be more open-minded and willing to listen. In doing so, I think we become more accepting of the idea that our beliefs are not necessarily absolute truths and that multiple views can coexist simultaneously (albeit with lingering tensions).
Punching Down
While I do not have as many convictions as I once had, one principle that still stands, relatively less shaky than the rest, is the belief that those in positions of power should never punch down. Similarly, I feel that absolute devotion to a singular narrative is a luxury afforded to the youth, but an unaffordable indulgence for those in positions of power (usually the “older” folks). For example, while it may be acceptable – if not encouraged – for students to protest and voice their concerns against the university administration, it is less tolerable for a university to impose its singular narrative on all its stakeholders. This is part of the reason why most universities are usually careful to listen, do their due diligence, and weigh the interests of all stakeholders (perhaps to the chagrin of those protesting).
The question that gets triggered here – and the one I struggle immensely with – is what happens when those protesting not only punch up against the system, but also punch down, creating an undesirable situation where other members of the community are wrongfully villainized or worse, threatened because of the protests? This aggravation, not to mention various other forms of vandalism and disruption, is what (un)justifiably compels some universities to escalate the situation, calling on authorities, who sometimes use unnecessary violence to suppress the “disturbance”. When the police resort to force, it creates new feelings of injustice, provoking further escalation and retaliation. The problem, thus, gets snowballed into something more entangled and complicated.
Hoping Against Hope
This throws me right back to the starting point, where I am no longer sure about what is clearly right or wrong in these situations (though I do have some ideas). I think about whether things can be handled differently and how we can foster more space for dialogue, nuance, and learning, which is what we are supposed to be promoting here at a university in the first place.
I still want to believe that change is possible through listening to one another and fostering a better understanding between people of different walks (or that CSR could still work?). I believe in the importance of punching up against oppression and that participating in civil disobedience is not only an incredible learning opportunity, but a rite of passage for many college students (I for one, raged against the machine during Occupy Wall Street, which feels like ages ago). I don’t like bullying and the ostracization of others. In the end, hurt people, hurt people so we need to find a way to break this cycle. To de-escalate. To listen, even when it’s hard. To (re)connect with one another, for we are afforded the extreme luxury and privilege to do so that many do not have.